On optimism

I’ve inhabited both ends of the spectrum: true cynic and eternal optimist. It’s interesting how some people grow up as optimists, seeing the good in things until life inevitably snatches that privilege away and leaves them to face what they didn’t want to believe in, turning them into cynics. It feels like a more natural order of things; for me it was reversed. I had a few years of intense cynicism growing up. Pessimism to the extreme, mental health issues making it seem like the only way to be, you know the deal.

My experience with cynicism and pessimism is this: cynics are sure of their pessimism; usually they are cynics not by choice, but by an inevitable inner certainty of understanding that doesn’t leave them another option. Optimists are different. In most cases, to be an optimist you have to be deeply aware of the reasons to be pessimistic, and choose to go the other way. To hear the common advice of “having no expectations so you don’t get disappointed” and decide to have expectations anyway- it’s a very conscious choice, at least in my case.

What is a life without expectations? Why live just to not get disappointed? Are we that afraid of difficult feelings that we’re willing to numb ourselves off to the experience of life just to avoid sitting with hard emotions for a while? I don’t mind getting disappointed, it’s literally a part of life. If you deconstruct it it seems like questionable logic: having expectations makes us happy - C.S. Lewis said that joy is sometimes a state of wanting, of expecting, and not quite having (“an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction”). Having no expectations as a way to not get disappointed and thus to keep yourself happier, is self-contradictory. It can work for a while, but it isn’t that great of a life strategy, that is if one of your goals in life is to experience it and to allow yourself to be happy. Are we truly happy when we have zero expectations from our lives, ourselves, the people around us? I’m not sure - maybe someone can comment and let me know if you’ve been there. While this strategy may lower the risk of disappointment over your lifetime, what’s the cost? I guess what I’m saying is I’d rather have expectations and get disappointed than have no expectations at all.

Choosing to be optimistic and internalising this way of seeing the world also has many tangible benefits: better mental and physical health, increased motivation (since you expect things are likely to work out), increased gratitude, and an overall positive feedback loop. Knowing what it’s like to be on both ends, one of my biggest fears when I realized I was doing well was losing my newfound optimism. Going back to being cynical without realising it until I was too deep in.

There’s also something to be said for people who have gotten hurt and disappointed before but still choose to remain optimistic and have expectations - an extremely difficult thing to do. I was talking to a friend who has been betrayed by people a lot in the past, in big ways, but is very conscious about not letting that make her “close off her heart”. She doesn’t want to live a life of suspicion or numbness or expected disappointment. She wants to continue expecting things to be good, knowing that sometimes they aren’t. She sees that as a more valuable life experience, and considers it a better way to spend her time on earth; at the end of the day that’s what it comes down to. (Of course, that’s unfortunately easier said than done. I acknowledge that I am speaking as someone who has never had anything extremely tragic happen in her life, and maybe that’s what allows me to think this way. I’m not preaching optimism as a way to be, but rather merely exploring the way I think about the concept at this point in my life.)

In the middle of the spectrum there’s realism, although I don’t know if anyone is ever truly in the middle. I think you’re a bit realistic either way but with a sprinkle of optimism or pessimism. I’m a realist in the way that I recognize that so so often, things go well; I don’t think optimism is delusional, it’s just a point of focus.

Me of 10 years ago would not have been able to relate to me of today at all. Optimism is central to how I choose to live. It’s also a way to attract more like-minded people; a conscious optimization for having influences around me that remind me to feel good about life (truly the biggest life hack).

My small conclusion here is that I love being optimistic, and I think knowing what the other side is like makes me appreciate it a lot more. I’m realistic; I know things are very often not good. But they also very often are. I’m 24; not enough to have more answers, but enough to know that.

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