"you've changed"

on friends who tell you who you are

I believe that one of the greatest values to aim for in life is self-actualization. I define it as reaching your full potential, being able to grow into the best possible version of yourself. Pursuing fulfilment, creativity, growth, and always aspiring to become the fullest version of yourself, the most genuine and authentic expression of you. One of the most exciting and rewarding things in life is figuring out what that looks like, and how to give it to yourself.

It is a process of constantly evolving. Change is one of the most natural parts of life, and one that we should embrace as a part of positive growth. So why do we still get boxed into definitions we struggle to escape?

I’ve been thinking a lot about seemingly small traits that mean a lot to me in all kinds of relationships, but especially in friendships. What traits you should look out for, to understand someone’s truest feelings towards you, and what support really means in practice. And I’ve noticed one trait that feels so important, one unspoken little rule that makes a friendship healthy and good… or if it’s not there, one that can make it feel wrong, uncomfortable.

Great friends are meant to allow you to expand into the best and fullest version of yourself — not box you into definitions.

Be weary of people in your life that tell you who you are, those who judge you for growing into more of yourself, that make you feel like expansion is not allowed. Or that insist on making statements about what “kind of person” you are, and laugh when they see you moving away from qualities you’re trying to grow out of. Friends who are afraid to see you grow are not friends at all, because great friends want to see you become your happiest, truest self.

As my friend Erica put it: “we have to surround ourselves with those who will bring us closer to our potential.” Some people actively try to keep you from reaching your potential - and once you spot it, it’s hard to unsee. It’s rare that they actually mean badly. The one time someone said to me “you’ve changed” as if it was a bad word, I had just finally grown into a more confident version of myself, more willing to step into my ambitions and needs, and take up healthy space. I had just learned to love and trust myself, and learned to put that into practice.

When people say 'you’ve changed' negatively, it’s usually not personal. It often reveals some hidden discomfort, insecurity, or fear of stagnation. Fear of losing familiarity, or resistance to growth. But in our closest relationships, what we need is space for evolution. I’ve seen close friends make progress towards something they are proud of, usually letting go of a trait that isn’t serving them, only for others to undermine that and box them into what they are trying to escape. Especially as these are usually harmless traits, like trying to grow into being more easy-going, more spontaneous, more hard-working, or something along those lines, having people who undermine and laugh at that attempt to change is harmful.

Life feels so good when you’re surrounded by people who will see that and support you with nothing but love for where you’re going. People will box you into definitions constantly and try to keep you stuck — the ones you let closest to you should be those that don’t.

In Ancient Greece, Plato and Heraclitus said that the only constant in life is constant change. Heraclitus said: No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river, and he's not the same man.

Change is natural and good. You can live a much fuller life by having people around you that allow you the space to change, grow, evolve, and expand, without seeing it as a bad or threatening thing (and of course it goes without saying that I’m talking about genuinely positive change). Friends should celebrate change and cheer you on as you go. This is why I’m also weary of people who regularly make generalized statements about others, like “They would never agree to XYZ” etc. You’d be surprised at who is working behind the scenes on becoming a better version of themselves and outgrowing what doesn’t serve them. A friend growing into a better person and outgrowing unhealthy habits or patterns is not threatening. It’s motivating, because it means you can, too. There’s space for us all to grow, and even more so when we’ve got unshakeable support from others.

It’s also okay to outgrow people who understood a past version of yourself but cannot support, understand, or relate to the direction you’re growing in — without guilt. Some friendships are for a few seasons, and some are for life. Both are so valuable. You’re allowed to outgrow people who refuse to listen or to grow. There are so many people in the world who are meant to be in your life and who will push you wholeheartedly towards the happiest and fullest version of you that you can be.

We talk a lot about authenticity and it’s almost become a buzzword, but becoming your most authentic self means growing into a version that feels the most true to you, not into a fixed version others expect you to be, or tell you that you are. Your job is to grow into who you are — not into who others expect you to be.

To be better friends to others, we need to stop boxing them in. We need to be attentive to their efforts to grow, and really listen when they say what they are working on. I love asking my best friends “what’s this period of your life teaching you?”, because it leads to conversations that show me what direction they are aiming to grow in, what they’re letting go of, and who they are becoming. Then I can keep being their biggest supporter and understand them on a much deeper level. It’s one of the things we owe to each other, I think, to build loving relationships by really allowing each other the space for evolution.