how real confidence is built

trusting yourself and internal validation

Think of a person you know that has real, deep, unshakeable confidence. Where you can tell that they’re not just “faking it till they make it”, but that it actually comes from within. Chances are, you can probably think of maybe a couple of people at most. When we talk about confidence and how it’s built, there tends to be a lot of fake it till you make it advice that, even if it can work at the surface, never does at a deep level. So how do you get that deep confidence that some people embody with seeming effortlessness, that seems so steady and stable that you know it’s real? It starts with learning to trust yourself.

Trusting yourself equals being your own best friend. One of the most important lessons (if not the single most important one) that I’ve learned in the past couple of years has been this: you have to learn to truly be your own best friend, and I mean for real. For so many reasons. Many people go their entire lives not trusting themselves. Always seeking external opinions, never learning to take their own word, their own taste and intuition, as a valid enough answer as it is. Always feeling the need to consult someone else before making any decision, big or small - whether it’s should I get that haircut or should I switch careers. In very rare cases you’ll meet a person that knows how to go about life trusting and valuing their own opinion first, on matters that concern their own life - and it’s rare. I think those people are the ones that have that deep unshakeable confidence. And it’s because they’ve learned to trust that they know what’s best for them, realizing that no one else is them, and the answers to their problems come from within. That’s where confidence comes from. So how do you develop that?

After being a people pleaser for years and staying in situations I shouldn’t have for too long, always deprioritizing or plainly ignoring and pushing aside my own needs, I’ve now come to a point where I’m very intentional about giving myself the life I deserve and stopping at nothing to do what’s truly right for me. Gone are the days where I’ll choose people-pleasing over going through some discomfort to do what I know is right for me, and that makes me happy. There’s no point living a whole life not truly knowing yourself, quieting your own voice, and putting external validation on a pedestal. I genuinely think that one of the most valuable and fulfilling things in life is getting to know and love yourself. When you choose what’s right for you, when you value internal validation more than external, and when you know that you’re making a difficult decision —big or small— because it gets you closer to living the life that you deserve, that’s when you’re acting out of self love. Confidence comes from loving yourself for real. Not in theory, not in faking it till you make it.

Self love is a journey that takes our whole lives to master because no one teaches you to focus on yourself in the same way you do on others. It’s about understanding your love languages the way you do when you think about your relationships, but then applying them to yourself - realizing that if one of the ways you feel most loved and appreciated is through quality time, then what you need to do is prioritize giving that to yourself. Taking quality time with yourself to do things you enjoy, because that will give you the same fulfilment as when it comes from someone else. Most of people don’t think about that intentionally enough and then wonder why they go their whole lives deeply needing external validation because they haven’t learned to cultivate internal validation. Feeling abandoned or overwhelmed and anxious if they’re not getting love from the outside, because they haven’t learned to love themselves in a real way that works for them. Being a good friend to yourself is rooted in action. Are you taking time to acknowledge how you’re feeling and what you might be lacking or needing? Are you giving yourself any time to relax, play, enjoy life without guilt and constant discipline? Are you letting yourself stay in the wrong relationship or the wrong career because it’d be inconvenient or scary to make a change? Prioritizing these things is how you develop genuine trust in yourself. Then you know that there’s a person you can fully, deeply trust to have your best interest in mind and give you what you need, and it’s you - it’s great.

Confidence comes from being your own best friend because you know that whatever happens, someone’s genuinely got you - someone who consistently does whatever’s needed to make sure you have what you need: healthy habits, quality time, prioritizing your wants, treating yourself, listening to your feelings instead of ignoring them - the same way you’d do for someone else. That translates into the kind of confidence you see in people that glow from the inside out. It’s not about their physical appearance or whatever else you can attribute it to; it comes from the fact that they’ve built good reasons to trust themselves, and that’s unshakeable because it stems from action. Taking action and doing the difficult or uncomfortable or uncertain things because they know they deserve to make progress towards the right direction so they take responsibility for making it happen. This all ties together - self love, internal validation, people-pleasing, and ultimately having real confidence.

And don’t forget: the best friends are the ones you can trust to tell you when something is wrong. I really value those friends who I know will come up to me to bring up an issue if it needs addressing. I can trust them to call me out if needed, not just to affirm and agree with anything I do. The same goes for you. Be honest with yourself if you’re acting in ways you know you shouldn’t be. You know your potential, and it’s up to you to set that standard. That’s sometimes the hardest thing because it takes recognizing that you need to do some difficult work that rarely feels fun and pleasant, but that the loving thing to do for yourself would be to do it anyway. Honestly, this is one of the most rewarding lessons I think we’re meant to learn in life, and once you set your mind to being in that journey, you realize how fun and freeing it feels to know you can trust in yourself.

from pinterest!

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