what we owe to each other

no one said common courtesy was easy

In 3 weeks, I turn 25 - is it true that my prefrontal cortex will develop by then? That’s the word on the street. Excited to bring you guys some absolute breakthroughs once that happens. For now, I’ll write about one of the biggest and most important lessons I’ve learned in my life, one that I wish I could drill into people’s heads and broadcast on billboards. Controversial, maybe! But let’s do it.

title of course inspired by Scanlon’s book What We Owe To Each Other and the way it’s a main theme in The Good Place!!

This year I learned a lot about relationships, friendships, and communication. I thought long and hard about what it means to be a decent human being, a good friend, and someone who happily and successfully coexists with others. The most valuable thing I have in my life is always human connection — I am amazed and inspired by others constantly, and I find an incredibly amount of joy and love in my relationships with others.

To make my points today, I’m going to have to tell you a little story about my friend L. Early this year, L made a huge life decision, and broke a very long-standing personal pattern (yay! Go L. We love to see it). After years in a relationship where she forgot how to trust herself, her judgement and her intuition, let go of her own wellbeing, and lost touch with what was good for her, she came to realize after a lot of thought and confusion, that it was time to break up. And she wouldn’t be manipulated into thinking she just wasn’t making enough of an effort to make it work anymore. She owed herself a better situation and a caring love, and it was time to let go of a situation that unfortunately was not that.

If you’ve ever gone through a big breakup, you’ll know that it’s not easy - lives are intertwined, friends are confused, and everyone feels entitled to developing an opinion based on whatever little bit of information they have. Throughout the relationship, L, a chronic people-pleaser, tried her best to make decisions that wouldn’t hurt or disappoint anyone - even at the sake of sacrificing her needs and wellbeing, a habit that she was working hard to overcome. Her partner loved her and she loved him, but she had been hurt by him a lot and just didn’t seem to be able to recover from that. Both could have handled some things better pre- and post-breakup, as in most cases. After managing to break up, one of the most difficult things that L ever managed to do (she was making a huge mistake, no one else would ever love her, she just had to try a little harder to make it work, etc), she finally started realizing what it meant to truly care for herself again - to make choices that were good for her, even if they were scary. A lot of women, especially, struggle all their lives to achieve that — if you haven’t noticed, society doesn’t always love when women do what’s best for them. We blame, we point fingers, we were waiting for the smallest excuse to finally decide a woman has been a villain all along.

Now, L wished for the breakup to be amicable but expected it to be tricky. What she didn’t expect, was the decade-long friendships that she thought were genuine, dropping out without a word. L’s ex-partner was understandably hurt. The breakup had been very hard on him, and he was speaking to his support system and their mutual friends about his feelings. But unfortunately, he still blamed L, a lot. They had both accidentally hurt each other in the process, as in most breakups, without of course intending to do harm (cause they’re not terrible people). But it seems that whatever he was out there telling his friends made some of L’s long-standing friends decide she was a villain — and without a single attempt to communicate, they never spoke to her again.

L couldn’t understand it; as hurt as she had been by her ex-partner, she had tried hard and intentionally not to paint him as a villain to mutual friends or try to steer them to one side. It seemed like the right thing to do; you don’t want to be that person after a breakup trying to get everyone to blame and drop your ex-partner out of their lives if they are friends, unless they were actually horrible to you. But that’s what happened to her, and it took a while for her to realize it. We’re just talking about a couple of friends here, but friends that she had considered very close ones, and trusted, for many years. When she ran into one of these mutual friends that she hadn’t seen in a while, and found her unprecedentedly cold towards her, she realized there might be an issue.

I like L because she values open communication a lot, and so do I. So she reached out to a good friend she hadn’t seen since the breakup, kind of like: hey! I know we haven’t spoken in a while and it’s been a crazy time, but I hope you’ve been well and would really love to catch up. I know you’ve been hanging out with X often and supporting him a lot, so I hope things are okay between us? I really value our friendship and hope things are okay from your side!! Let me know how you’re feeling and I’d genuinely love to chat anytime. L’s friendships mean a lot to her, and we’re both big believers in communicating if there’s something wrong. Groundbreaking, I know. So guess what her friend responded to her message.

Nothing.

Months passed, and nothing. Slowly, L realized that this friend and the other couple of friends that hung out with her ex were not intending on speaking to her again. She tried to confront her ex and say that if he had been conveying things as they were without trying to paint her as a villain, these friends wouldn’t have cut her off… But no luck. It was what it was. What was he saying to them? She didn’t know, but she knew that he blamed her a lot for choosing what was best for her, and that was enough to imagine the sentiment he was conveying to friends.

Another close friend that we’ll call B, and I, have an explicit agreement that I love: We’ve promised each other that if either one ever has an issue with the other, if there’s ever anything wrong, we’ll bring it up. It’s a common courtesy in your friendships and relationships to simply communicate. Yes, we’re in our 20s, and yes, we’re still very much growing and learning — but we’re old enough to know how to express when something is wrong, give a friend the benefit of the doubt, and instead of deciding to quietly end a relationship based on an (often inaccurate or misinformed) assumption, realize that we owe some common courtesy to each other. I don’t know who needs to hear this. But we do. It’s what makes us good people, to ourselves and to each other.

Had L’s friends reached out and at least had a conversation, they would have found out a lot — about how hurt she had been in the relationship, what she had been through, the context behind her decisions. And unfortunately, L is not the type of person to go out asking people to listen and trying to defend herself to everyone; why do women have to keep defending themselves to society every time they make a decision that prioritizes themselves? And that brings me to: why do we always assume the worst?

There are misunderstandings. There are a million facts you do not know. There are people’s inner worlds and experiences and things they’ve been through that they haven’t shared with you, but they could, if you asked. What’s the benefit in assuming the worst?

The foundation of all our friendships and relationships is TRUST. And if we can’t trust that our people will communicate with us when they have an issue or a need that we’re not meeting, then we have nothing. Beautiful things happen when instead of harbouring negative feelings, you decide to bring up what’s bothering you with a friend. Beautiful things happen when you ask, and you talk. You’re not just taking care of your friendships like that- you’re taking care of yourself.

Initiating that communication is uncomfortable and difficult at times, but it’s NECESSARY! And you know I never write in all-caps. So this is for real. We actually owe that to each other. The people I value the most in my life are those that I know will come up to me and bring up something difficult if they have an issue with me. That’s an incredibly comforting type of trust to have with someone. You don’t have to try to read people’s minds, and they don’t expect you to. I have no tolerance for anything less; it’s a common courtesy, it’s respect, and it is trust. This may come across a bit tough-loving, but I truly believe that if you’re not able to communicate in uncomfortable situations, to bring up what bothers you and become responsible for expressing your own needs, you’ll struggle a lot to build meaningful relationships in life. It’s a skill that has to be intentionally recognized and practiced.

And I’m going to bring female friendships and female jealousy into this, although I hate to — because I’m in denial. I’m in denial about the state of female friendships in the age of social media. Instead of girls supporting girls, it’s girls hate-stalking other girls, comparing themselves endlessly and looking for an excuse to finally allow them to hate. L told me that none of her male friends, that had been closer to her ex-partner too, stopped talking to her. They asked for her side and made an active effort to remain friends and communicate if they had questions. So, is this an incident of internalized misogyny making it less likely for girls to communicate with each other, because a lot of our friendships hide deep insecurity that, although we do not like, we know exists? I could not do a better job analyzing this phenomenon than Valerie did on this Club Reticent post, so you should read that.

No one said common courtesy was easy. But it is necessary.

I’m writing and operating with the assumption that you, and I, and our friends and others, care to foster genuine relationships and friendships. They can be the most meaningful and valuable experiences of our entire lives, but they can’t be that, if we’re not brave enough to simply communicate. It is hard, but it is simple.